…thinking that reason will eventually prevail.
A lot of this blog is about my different identities and how my sexual identity interacts with my life. Being a part of GCN (www.gaychristian.net) has offered a lot of support and ideas for blogs. This blog is completely inspired by a post a fellow GCN’er made the other day. Instead of paraphrase or link you to this statement I just copied it here with his approval.
“Usually people border the imbecilic but this anesthesiologist decided he was going to jump on over. He walked into the operating room where I was setting up some IVs and such and began to let me and two nurses know that California upheld Prop. 8. Obviously he was pleased with gay couples not being allow to marry. Fine. Great for him and his opinion. I figured if the guy can walk into a room and assume that everyone is going to rejoice along side him then I could assume that it would be okay for me to rain on his parade. I started on my view and somewhere along the topic I said that, for the most part, no one choses their sexuality. He thought that was complete bull**** and said that people CHOOSE their sexuality. Love this, right? Classic gay-on-straight argument. I asked him, “So, please tell me when you chose to be straight?” His response was something like, “I knew that being gay was wrong and so I chose to be straight.” I replied, “So you’re telling me you had homosexual tendencies at one point in your life and due to your religious conviction you *chose* to not follow that feeling and switch it up to heterosexuality?” “Well, no. I never had gay tendencies ever.” I pushed on, “Well, you see, I never had heterosexual tendencies/attractions. It was struggle to know what you’re attracted to yet know that the Christian churches do not support it.” I told him that I knew I was gay from an early age (let’s say about 5, because I know that I had these feelings before entering Kindergarten at age 6.) He said that it was bull**** for people to claim they remember back that far in their life. He labeled it all as an addiction of sorts. He compared me to murderers at first and then took it a step further and compared a gay to a pedophile. Obviously I flipped a lid and got pissed with the guy (all in a professional manner.) I guess what I’m doing right now is venting. Venting that people can still be so ignorant. Venting that people think they know it all just because they can quote a book. And even when something comes straight from the horse’s mouth they won’t bother to believe you. This was yesterday. Today was a new day and I worked with him again. Nothing was brought up but I did lose a lot of respect for the guy. I tell myself not to act like an ass to him (God knows I want to) but to be myself. The best ‘me’ I can be and show that Ukrainian that no matter what moronic comment or ignorant assumption he throws at me that I will stand strong in my faith in a God who’s love is not limited to a heterosexual but to anyone who reaches out to Him. Ouch. Terrible grammar. Don’t grade me.”
This person’s story hit me as I begin my new job. It hit me because I have a “doctor” in my life who is resistant to accepting me with my sexual identity as a natural part of me and not a choice. I will not name or indicate who this person is, but please know that this is hard for me write about. The above-posters feelings are often mine. Frustration, anger, intense sadness, and confusion. I am frustrated that this person cannot be as logical as I am. I am angry because sometimes this person uses phrases, makes faces, or stays silent when I think her reaction should be different. I am intensely sad because this person means a lot in my life. Finally, I am confused because I cannot understand how, after all these years, this person can still be uncomfortable and unsure of “my choices.”
I know that I am preaching to the choir about this, but let me be clear with this…I did not choose this lifestyle. This statement is not a self-deprecating statement to garner pity. I love my life. I love my fiance. I would not choose to be straight. The end!
Thank you for reading. Please comment or add any information/feeilings you have. Until next time…
